Older

Probably two to three years ago I went to hear a speaker - a localish author of a few parenting books. After it was over we happened to be introduced. She asked me about my children and I replied I had one boy and one girl. Her reply? "Oh, that is good you have one boy and one girl. You can be done having babies. "

In all honesty, I was stunned. Completely. Enough to make me silent - and me being silent does not happen all that much.

I am adult enough to understand she did not mean anything truly negative by it (I hope, anyway), but how in the world did she know I wasn't standing there pregnant with triplets, or that we weren't in the process of trying, or that we had recently suffered a pregnancy loss - none of those were true of course, but my goodness.

If anything - the 10 second conversation did two things for me. One, I pretty much knew then and there that we were NOT in fact done having children. Whether I birthed them myself or someone else did before they were in my arms, the Duke family was by no means complete.
And two, I learned that my comments regarding someone else's reproductive and/or family life should be carefully worded or just plain left out of a conversation.

I am not one to take much personally, and honestly, I wasn't so much offended by the conversation as I was enlightened by it. I have countless friends who have struggled with issues such as infertility, adoption heartache, pregnancy complications, pregnancy loss, infant loss and much more. They have faced these issues with much grace and wisdom. I assume nothing with anyone. I don't assume you are through having kids. I don't assume you want more. I don't assume that because you have three girls that you are dying to have a boy (or vice versa). I don't assume that if you have no current children that it is because you don't want them. I just don't assume. There are thoughtful ways to be friendly, polite, encouraging and interested without assuming. I am sure I have said things I shouldn't have before with regards to someone else's family. But from my conversation described above, I sure am more careful with my words now.

Do yall get tired of me talking about lessons from my mama? If so, stop reading I suppose.  If not, here you go. My mama told me you never know what someone is dealing with and the older I get the more I know this to be true. We can't know. We can't know if someone spent the evening caring for a gravely ill child or parent. We can't know if someone spent their childhood being called stupid, being told to shut up, being smacked around for no reason at all. We can't know if someone is worried about their job, or the choices their spouse or child have made, or if the lights will still be on when they get home that night. This is not something to remember so that we are compelled to feel sorry for other people. This is something to remind us that we are all human. We all arrive at the place where we are now with some amount of history. Perhaps this is where the term compassion comes into play. Its not charity. Its not letting people walk over you or hurt your feelings or treat you in an unfair or mean way. It is simply seeing things differently.

I suppose seeing people, seeing situations differently is what comes from growing older. Aren't the young described as rash? Quick to anger. Quick to give a snappy or stinging comeback?
Perhaps as we are older - bigger - we can see more that what is in front of us. And perhaps more of what it is in us as well.


“Aslan,” said Lucy, “you're bigger.”
“That is because you are older, little one,” answered he.
“Not because you are?”
“I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.”
Prince Caspian – Chapter 10